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CoNfuSeD?

A Childhood Cancer Survivor Poem
© 2016 Christine Mulvihill

14 years but I still don't know myself
I'm as lonely as the old book on the top shelf
I'm not dusty but my pages are stiff and torn
I'm as confused as I was when I was born.

I don't know who I am or where I'm going
I'm still amazed at the beauty of autumn leaves blowing
No one really knows who I am not even me
Life is more difficult that I ever thought it would be.

I wish I could go back to when I first opened my eyes
I would take it all back and be more wise
Maybe then it wouldn't hurt so bad
Maybe I'd have the guy I always wished I had.

People say change is just part of life
They forgot to mention is can stab like a knife
It can trash your image and ruin your dreams
It can loosen your screws and rip your seams.
It can trash a party and tear lives apart
But most of all it can break your heart.

My vision is blurred from the tears in my eyes
I know once in a while everyone cries
But not like I cry myself to sleep at night
Every day I have to put up a fight
A fight to find out why I'm here
A fight to find out why it's myself I fear

It's hard to live just one day without pain
I just give in knowing I have nothing to gain
I just can't live like this anymore
Yet there is no doctor that can cure this sore

I'm stuck in a dark room with no way out
I have nothing to do but live in doubt
No matter what I do this just won't go away
There's nothing to stop me from being this way
No one can save me I'm forever frowning
It's too late, I'm already drowning.


       Who Am I       Faith, Hope, Triumph and Tragedy        Oncology       This Curse

       High School       Life is One Tough Pill to Swallow       Emotions       Other Stories and Poems


TAGS: acute lymphoblastic leukemia, Children’s Hospital of Eastern Ontario, CHEO soul, curse, grave, IV, crying, screaming, fighting God, Jesus, lord, cross, wood carving, pain, father, help, angel, heaven, dead, eternity, healthy, strength, fate, grave drugs, prednisone, bone marrow transplant, diagnosis, funeral, confidence, revenge Bad angry day, shattered, anger, frustration, suicide, emotion, insanity, desperate, hospital, oncology, high school, Remember, always in my heart, fear, misery, brave, courageous, Shaking, trembling, pounding, Stiff, still, inspiration faith, trust, conviction, spirituality, passion, love, despare